"WE can't leave with No Deal because Parliament won't let us. So Boris will do last-minute agreement. But Nigel won't like it. So Tories will go into next election without his backing. And lose to a Lib Dem-Labour-SNP coalition. Who will reject deal. There'll be a second referendum. Which Remainers will rig . . ."

Wouldn't it be lovely to wake up one morning and not hear some deranged politician shrieking about Brexit? Remainer or Leaver.

The same old issues every time. The whining. The complaining from both sides (hilariously) about a lack of democracy.

The snarled fury. The endless bloody pontificating.

It's been more than three years and still nobody knows what the hell Labour's policy is.

Get a deal from Brussels and then vote against it, so far as I can discern.

God only knows what sort of drugs old man Steptoe and his magic band of brothers are on.

But then I'm not too sure what BoJo is up to either, and this is a problem.

My guess is that if our Prime Minister wrestles some kind of deal from Brussels, the vast majority of the country will heave an enormous sigh of relief.

We can all get on with our lives. Boris can busy himself with building very large bridges across the Irish Sea. Whatever deal he gets, it won't be a proper Brexit.

I have always said, right from day one, that our liberal establishment would never let us leave.

And the sort of deal Boris is inching towards now will not be what we might call a full Brexit.

It will involve, at the least, selling out the Northern Irish. Over the blessed "backstop". And here's the problem for Johnson.

If he does that there will still be a large contingent of people very unhappy indeed -- and not just the DUP.

It means he won't be able to strike a meaningful deal with Nigel Farage's Brexit Party.

And that, in turn, means the ­Conservative Party will go into the next election, which is coming very soon, with only a slender hope of victory.

The Brexit Party is likely to take enough votes from the Tories to ensure they do not win.

That would mean -- at best -- a hung parliament. And you can bet some sort of coalition deal will be struck between Labour, the Lib Dems and the SNP.

This would result in a rejection of any deal. And almost certainly a second ­referendum on whether we should leave or not.

Except that the choices on the ballot paper next time will be gerrymandered to ensure Remain wins (by splitting the Leave vote).

But what else is Boris to do?

We can't leave with No Deal -- the best option of those available right now -- because ­Parliament won't let him. His hands are tied.

He started well in the job, did old BoJo. But things have fallen apart in the past two weeks.

He hasn't helped himself by estranging the Remainers in his party by kicking them out.

Even if we won't miss them for a fraction of a nanosecond.

And he should have been in Brussels from day one, negotiating.

If only to show the British public the sheer bloody-minded intransigence and spite of the European Union.

Still, if he manages to wrench some sort of deal now, at the last moment, I'd be tempted to be in favour of it.

Not because it's what I voted for. But because it's probably the least worst of all available options.

And if he then loses an election and the present Opposition revokes the deal, all hell will break loose.

Yes, whatever way you look at it, this business is going to drag on and on. Until we're all bored into stupefaction.

THE BBC is in trouble after it accidentally showed some rude comments on screen.

People have complained about the BBC's low standards. And rightly.

The Speaker of the House of Commons will not be fighting his seat at the next election.

This may well be because the Tories have announced they will stand against him. And they'd win.

He has been a disgrace to his office. Gobby, pompous, egotistical and, worst of all, blatantly partisan.

Pray God soon we will never have to hear from him again.

WELL, at least Robert Mugabe won't be murdering more folk any time soon.

The decrepit old Marxist dictator of Zimbabwe has popped his clogs at last. At the ripe old age of 95.

I was just starting out as a journo when he took power, back in 1980.

I asked his predecessor, Ian Smith, how he thought Mugabe would manage the country.

"He will cause mass starvation and kill all of his political opponents," Smith replied.

Their oil tanker illegally ships supplies to Syria.

British-flagged vessels were impounded in the Straits of Hormuz. And now three more people - Brits and Aussies - are being held in prison in Iran for no good reason.

Quite why they were travelling in Iran in the first place is a mystery.

It's the last country in the world I'd got to on holiday.

It's time we toughened up a bit. We should back the US, which pulled out of a deal with the mad mullahs last year.

And keep a few Navy frigates on hand in case there's more trouble.

THE Archbishop of Canterbury is in India, lying on the floor and grovelling.

Justin Welby lay flat out to apologise for the massacre of Indians by British troops at ­Amritsar in 1919.

If so it would be right to apologise - and then face a prison sentence, frankly.

But you weren't there, were you?

Apologising for the sins of others is just another example of virtue-signalling.

DID you see the ­hideous footage of a 15-year-old female bullfighter trying to kill a calf in Spain?

It took SEVEN stabs from her sword before the poor creature was killed.

It had already had four banderillas sticking out of its  back.

What an utterly vile ­spectacle. The Spanish insist it is all part of their ­history and tradition.

Yeah, well so was the ­Inquisition, fascism and ­genocide in South America - and you don't do that stuff any more.

Come on you Spaniards, ban this horrible business.

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