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'Please, Someone, Be America's Greatest Hero'
Samantha Bee made it clear on Wednesday that she was happy to see Kirstjen Nielsen go as secretary of homeland security.
"Kirstjen is a lying ghoul who enforced policies that tore families apart and impacted thousands of lives," Bee said in characteristically vitriolic terms. "She deserves to be shunned as hard as disgraced movie moguls and morning show hosts," Bee added, showing photos of Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer.
But she also worried that President Trump might replace Nielsen -- who oversaw the administration's notorious policy of separating migrant families trying to enter the country -- with someone even more willing to enforce hard-line border policies. Before her ouster, Nielsen and Trump had been clashing over whether to embrace harsher measures, some of which Nielsen reportedly believed might fall outside the limits of the law.
"This weekend Kirstjen Nielsen stepped down as homeland security secretary, presumably to spend more time with her family after a house fell on her sister." -- SAMANTHA BEE, showing the Wicked Witch of the West's feet after she was crushed by a house in "The Wizard of Oz"
"Nielsen's problem is that she cares about petty details like, 'Is this illegal,' and 'Will this accomplish anything,' and 'Will I be remembered as one of America's greatest monsters?' Trump has no patience for that kind of dithering. He wants maximum cruelty and he wants it now!"
Nielsen's firing is part of a larger bloodletting at the Department of Homeland Security, where various senior staff members have lost their jobs in the past week. Bee pointed out that two weeks ago, the Fox News host Lou Dobbs called on Trump to replace the department's leadership.
In order to prevent Trump from taking any more advice from Dobbs, Bee said a Good Samaritan ought to help Trump find better things to do with his weekends than watching Fox News.
"That aired two Fridays ago on Dobbs's show, which Trump watches religiously. I'm not sure what's sadder: the state of our government or the fact that the president doesn't have one friend to hang out with on weekends. Please, someone, be America's greatest hero and befriend Donald Trump!"
The Black Hole
Scientists on Wednesday released the first known photo of a black hole. The image was blurry, but it clearly showed a fiery rim around a round dark spot.
"Scientists this morning revealed the first image of a black hole, which was apparently taken on an early-2000s Nokia flip phone." -- SETH MEYERS
"Behold, the dark hole (also what cat owners see when they wake up)!" -- STEPHEN COLBERT
"It's kind of beautiful, isn't it? Do you think this is where God keeps his weed?" -- JIMMY KIMMEL
"Americans saw that and said, 'I have no idea what a black hole is, but I could really go for a glazed donut.'" -- JIMMY FALLON
'The 1 Percent Is Coming From Inside the House'
Senator Bernie Sanders pledged this week to release 10 years of tax returns, and he admitted that they would show him to be a newly minted millionaire. Jimmy Fallon joked that the democratic socialist crusader probably feels awkward about his new riches.
"Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says that he's going to release his tax returns on Monday, and thanks to his book sales they're actually expected to show that Bernie is now a millionaire. Bernie Sanders is a millionaire! He's pretty freaked out. He's like, 'Oh my God, the 1 percent is coming from inside the house! I am the 1 percent!" -- JIMMY FALLON
"The guy who's spent his life ranting against millionaires is a millionaire. That's like finding out Smokey the Bear is a pyromaniac. You know what I'm saying? It's like finding out the Hamburglar is a vegan. You know? It's like Joe Biden telling us he spent 40 years teaching classes on workplace harassment." -- JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
Bee marveled at the strange dynamics of Kellyanne and George Conway's marriage.
Jimmy Kimmel once again became "Judge James." This time he decided the fate of a dog caught up in a custody battle between two former lovers.
What We're Excited About on Thursday Night
Adam Driver, who is starring alongside Keri Russell in the Broadway play "Burn This," will talk to Seth Meyers on Thursday.
Also, Check This Out
Pointy ears and hairy feet: See who wore it best at the J.R.R. Tolkien-themed costume party at the Morgan Library & Museum in New York.
Plus, Ideas for What to Watch Tonight:
The 50 Best Movies on Netflix Right Now
The 25 Best Films of the 21st Century
The Best Movies on Amazon Prime Video Right Now